


Cause I know, baby, all the hurt you never show

by valesweetdreams



Category: Queen (Band)
Genre: A lot of bad thoughts, Depression, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Protective Roger Taylor (Queen), Sad Brian May, Sad with a Happy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-23
Updated: 2020-07-23
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:47:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25454911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/valesweetdreams/pseuds/valesweetdreams
Summary: Roger would say he is smart, that he can write songs like nobody else and he would reply saying that Freddie does it better, that’s why they should use more of his songs. Then he would say “you are an astrophysicist, nothing can beat it, you can nail everything you do, you are good with numbers and words, it’s amazing”. But these are just lies, he is not good, he does somethings, he has a graduation, and he knows Roger says those things because…
Relationships: Brian May/Roger Taylor
Comments: 2
Kudos: 35





	Cause I know, baby, all the hurt you never show

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote it in like, an hour, and I'm just projecting myself and wishing I could have someone like Roger...

_ 1, 2, 3… _

He counts. 

_ 1, 2, 3… _

It’s not the rhythm of the rain.

_ 1, 2, 3… _

But he can make it the way he wants.

_ 1, 2, 3… _

He wishes he could live the reality without having to make up things.

_ 1, 2, 3… _

The rain.

_ 1, 2, 3.. _

Stop, just stop.

He still didn’t change clothes, but why would he do that? He deserves to feel the wet shirt and the wet pants in his body, that despite the hot weather is making him feel cold, the soaking soaks that prevents him to feel his feet, why would he used it? His hair is dropping water and he doesn’t care to fix it, he doesn’t want to show it anymore, why bother taking care of the curls and make it look presentable if he is not, not a little, proud of it?

Freddie would go insane if he knew, he loves to take care of his hair, to dress him up to their concerts and he would say “don’t be a fool, darling, you are so handsome, you have your beauty, don’t be shy”. But he knows he is lying, he says those things just because he is his friend and they know each other for years, years. 

And playing the guitar is the only thing he’s good at. Deaky would say he is the best guitarist he ever saw, “you have your unique technique and you built your guitar, it’s so amazing, Bri, you should be more proud of yourself”. Should he? He’s good, right, he knows it, but he is not the best, he will never be, and John just says those things because they are friends and because they are in the same band. 

Roger would say he is smart, that he can write songs like nobody else and he would reply saying that Freddie does it better, that’s why they should use more of his songs. Then he would say “you are an astrophysicist, nothing can beat it, you can nail everything you do, you are good with numbers and words, it’s amazing”. But these are just lies, he is not good, he does somethings, he has a graduation, and he knows Roger says those things because….

Oh.

Now he remembers why he is like this.

It is because he is pathetic, because he can’t face the truth, because he is a coward. He doesn’t deserve the good words his friends give to him, because they try to make him feel better, feel proud, feel loved, but he is not making an effort, because he likes to be a loser, he likes to be depressed and sad all the time. He doesn’t like to laugh or to say he is fine, he likes to suffer and to drag down everyone around him.

“ _ I have something to tell you _ ” Roger said when they were hanging out in his house after they left the studio, it was just the two of them, like they did many many times before, like they did years ago when they were still a college band.

And the first thing Brian thought was that Roger didn’t want to hang out with him anymore. Why would he? He is so boring and so sad, and Roger is so full of life, maybe he wants him just as a band mate or something, not to have him in his house to bring his dark clouds alongside.

“ _ I’ve been wanting to tell you this for a long time but… I guess I couldn’t… I’m in love with you… It’s been such a long time that I learned it” _

He wasn’t expecting it. They were drinking beers like two old friends, talking about what they’ve been up to since they couldn’t hang out for the last couple of week, and then talking about the next tour and what they’ve been thinking to do for the next album, then talking about that new car that was in that magazine in the studio. It was just natural for them to start a conversation. But then he looked at the drummer and he had such a hopeful expression, he could see the love in his eyes and he knew that what he said was the truth. For the first time he believed in what other person had to say about him.

Roger really loved him.

But then that hope in his face, like he was hoping Brian loved him back. And oh, he was so right if he was thinking like this, because he does, god, he loves him so much. He knew it from that time when it was just the two of them trying to restart their band, from the look they shared that day, from the way they promised to never leave the other behind.

But Roger doesn’t deserve him. 

That’s why he left, not minding that were raining. Roger doesn’t deserve him because he has no good things inside of him, he can’t give the blond what he deserves. Roger deserves someone that will make him happy, that won’t have only negative thoughts, that will go out with him and have real fun, that won’t have a panic attack after a concert because there were so many people out there, that will have the will to go out and celebrate properly, with drinks and everything a rock’n’roll like gives to you. Roger deserves so much more.

And now what he did? He hurt him. 

The tone in his voice on the last thing he heard broke his heart.

“ _ Bri? Don’t go” _

Because he didn’t say a word. He was in silence for some time, looking at that angel that he called best friend, that he could call his lover, that he was within a step to have. And he left.

He left to be miserable alone. He left so he could cry in a place no one could see him. He thought about the medicines on the cabinet, but he can’t even bring himself to do it, he is such a coward, why don’t you do this? Why don’t you have the guts? Is it because you are scared of things you don’t know? Because you aren’t sure of what is waiting for you in hell? Well, you have a very certain thing here but you don’t want to have it either, so what will you do?

His mind was driving him insane. He was cold, his clothes were still wet and he was sitting in the kitchen, despite having sure he won’t be eating a thing tonight, maybe not even the next morning. And he wants to sleep there, god, he just want the darkness of the sleep, he wants to forget he even exists. He wants to be there at the cold floor and just fall asleep.

He was crying harder now because he could hear it, he wasn’t feeling it, actually right now he wasn’t feeling anything, he knew he was cold, but it was just a physical feeling, but inside, at first he felt pain, then anger, than sadness, it’s the thing he feels the most. But now it is empty. Besides it there’s the love he couldn’t put out to show Roger, what will he do with it? Let the emptiness take it too? Probably. Probably he will never show up to a rehearsal again, you can’t feel what you are not seeing.

But then the door opened and he couldn’t bring himself to look up to see who was it, he didn’t care, if it was a thief or something they can take what they want, his most precious thing is not there, either way. He felt two arms around him and suddenly he was feeling a warmth.

“Bri? Can you hear me?”

He can, but he doesn’t know where his voice is, does he have it? He has a voice?

“Come here, let’s take out those clothes and take a hot shower, you will be sick this way”

And does he care? Isn’t that what he wants? Isn’t it his plan? And why is Roger here? He hurt him, he doesn’t deserve him. But his legs are collaborating with Roger and he sees himself in the bathroom. The blond knows his house, he’s been there enough times to get to know it. 

He was starting to take off his shirt, unbuttoning it. He’s still not feeling anything, but that other thing inside of him was fighting, he could sense it.

“You don’t have to do it” he finally found his voice when Roger was taking off his pants.

“It will make you feel better, then I will make you a tea and we will go to sleep, it’s already late”

Why is Roger doing it?

“I hurt you…” 

The drummer shook his head. 

“You didn’t”

“You said you love me. That you were in love with me.”

“I did.”

“And I left.”

It is so obvious that he should be saying it outloud.

“Bri, look at me.”

They were both in the shower, hot water falling down their heads. It still wasn’t a good feeling. But he did looked at him, for the first time since hurting him.

“You are not well, you are depressed, you need someone to take care of you until you are back, and I know you will be back. I’m sorry I didn’t realized before you were in one of your episodes, but I’m here for you.”

He caresses his cheeks sweetly, showing all the love he has. Brian still doesn’t think he deserves it, it is too much: love and comfort.

“I love you too.”


End file.
